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Forum: Miscellaneous Forum

Topic: Post your jokes

This topic contains 43 replies, has 6,315 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of marigold marigold 6 years, 2 months ago.

On marigold wrote:

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: \"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you.\"

His wife responds: \"He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.\"

:lol:

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of Superlordspamulon
Member
On Superlordspamulon wrote:

haha i know quite a few

here’s one

a man, quite evil, dies, and goes to hell. when he’s in hell, satan comes up to him and says \"welcome to hell! you will be presented with 3 rooms, and MUST choose ONE to spend the rest of eternity in!\" and the man’s kind of worried, but goes with the devil to look at them each. in the first room there are thousands of people, all standing on their heads on pebbles. the man says \"ooh, no, that looks painful! show me the next one, please!\" so he goes to the next room; it’s full of people standing on their heads on lots of sharp stones. the man says \"ouch! no, thats even more painful! next room please!\". and so the devil takes him to the third room, which is full of people standing around, drinking tea – but waist deep in horse shit. the man says \"hmm… i like a nice cuppa, and could get used to the smell… ok. i’ll take this room!\" and so he enters, and joins the others.

10 minutes later, the devil returns to the 3rd room and says \"alright lads! tea break over, back on your heads!\"

So apparently I don't post very often these days
Profile photo of Superlordspamulon
Member
On Superlordspamulon wrote:

‘nother one :D

an egg and a sausage are in a frying pan, being cooked

egg: \"it’s hot in here, isn’t it?\"

Sausage: \"holy shit!!! a talking egg!!!\"

So apparently I don't post very often these days
Profile photo of Superlordspamulon
Member
On Superlordspamulon wrote:

damn you arthur! im not gonna be able to stop now!

a man walks into a bar with a briefcase, sits at the bar, opens the briefcase on the bar top, and pulls out a foot high man, a piano and a bottle. the little man starts playing the piano.

the barman asks the man with the briefcase where he got the little man, and the suitcase man replies \"there’s a genie in this bottle who will grant you any wish you want\"

\"oh really?\" asks the barman

\"yeah\" says the man, somewhat despondantly.

the barman looks at the bottle, rubs it, and a genie pops out!

\"um… err…\" stammers the barman \"i wish for… a million quid!\"

and then the genie, with a clap of his hands, makes one million squids appear in the bar, before disappearing

\"wait, what the hell?!? i wanted a million quid, not squid!\"

\"yeah i know\" replies the man \"that genie has a hearing problem. you don’t think i wanted a 12-inch pianist, did you?!?\"

So apparently I don't post very often these days
Profile photo of Superlordspamulon
Member
On Superlordspamulon wrote:

and another i think the guys may appreciate :lol:

The Chicken and the Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall’s into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, \"I think I can stand over the hole!\" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, \"Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.\" And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

So apparently I don't post very often these days
Profile photo of Superlordspamulon
Member
On Superlordspamulon wrote:

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, \"So, you’ve been out drinking again!\"

\"What makes you say that?\" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

\"The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.\"

So apparently I don't post very often these days
Profile photo of Superlordspamulon
Member
On Superlordspamulon wrote:

sorry that i’ve got ANOTHER one, but this really is quite priceless :D

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. \"Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!\"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, \"I had no idea you were this religious.\"

The boy turns, and whispers back, \"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.\"

So apparently I don't post very often these days
Profile photo of bleedingtheorchid
Member
On BleedingTheOrchid wrote:

great jokes hahahaha! please make this the longest post here i will always come back for fun hahahahaha!

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanlinessAnd cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like meIntoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

Profile photo of Superlordspamulon
Member
On Superlordspamulon wrote:

thanks Return To Comfort for reminding me of this joke

a little boy runs home from school, sad, to his father, and says \"i got an ‘f’ in maths today!\"
father: \"what?!? how?\"
\"well… the teacher asked what 2 x 6 was, and i said 12\"
\"well, thats correct… so how did you get an ‘f’\"
\"she asked me next what was 6 x 2!\"
\"well what’s the fucking difference!\"
\"that’s what i said!\"

So apparently I don't post very often these days
Profile photo of Arthur
Moderator
On Arthur wrote:

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her,

\"No. These are for boys.\"

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy’s bike and says,

\"Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!\"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says,

\"Look, only boys have these and your mom can’t buy you one!\"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims,

\"My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of yours as I want.\"

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of blueczarina
Member
On blueczarina wrote:

Quite the comedians here. :lol:

Profile photo of bullettwoutbutterflywings
Member
On bullettwoutbutterflywings wrote:

you might like this one…..

while on a road trip to florida a man and his wife stop at thier sons house for an overnight visit, while brushing his teeth the man finds viagra in his sons medicine cabnet,
so he asks his son \"can i have one of those?\"
the son says \"dad, those are expensive, they are $10 a pill. and you don’t need one.\"
so the father says \"i’ll pay you for one, ok?\"
so the son agrees and the father says he will put $10 under his pillow in the morning.

the next morning after his parents leave, the son finds $110 under the pillow, the son calls his father and asks why so much money.
the dad says \"well, the $10 is from me, the $100 is from your mother\"

hehehe

"shiny, let's be bad guys"--jayne cobb-the hero of canton
Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

I went to the Bank today and saw my balance sheet.

Biggest joke, ever. :wink:

Profile photo of Arthur
Moderator
On Arthur wrote:

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,\"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute.\"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, \"So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?\"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…

\"Try to do it when the engine is running \".

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of some pumpkins
Participant
On some pumpkins wrote:

how many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

drumroll please

fuck it. let ’em cry in the dark.

what's wrong with you is good for what's wrong with me
Profile photo of blueczarina
Member
On blueczarina wrote:

:lol:

Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

:lol:
thanks I needed that little laugh…

Profile photo of some pumpkins
Participant
On some pumpkins wrote:

a woman goes to the doctor for some advice. she says, ”doc, my husband has really dirty hair and bad dandruff. what should i do?\" the doctor says, ”give him some head and shoulders.” the woman replies, \"how do you give shoulders?\"

what's wrong with you is good for what's wrong with me
Profile photo of blueczarina
Member
On blueczarina wrote:

you know i could see that actually happening at my job :lol:

Profile photo of Arthur
Moderator
On Arthur wrote:

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

:lol: I guess the writing at the end explains the rest

Profile photo of Arthur
Moderator
On Arthur wrote:

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of blueczarina
Member
On blueczarina wrote:

nice one :lol:

Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

:lol: yeah… very funny indeed :lol:

Profile photo of Im a Cult Hero
Member
On Im a Cult Hero wrote:

Profile photo of blueczarina
Member
On blueczarina wrote:

another good one :lol: did that actually happen at a NIN concert?

Profile photo of last_rose_of_summer
Member
On last_rose_of_summer wrote:

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales …

Tom, the hand from North Dakota says, \"I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.\"

Bernie from Montana, couldn’t stand to be bested. That’s nothing, \"I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.\"

Pete, the cowboy from Alberta, Canada remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. \"Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing.\"

\"What do they say?\" the priest inquired. they say, \"Hi, we’re
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?\"

\"That’s obscene!\" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a
moment.

\"You know,\" he said, \"I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the
cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your
parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop
saying that phrase in no time.\"

\"Thank you,\" the woman responded, \"this may very well be the
solution.\"

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: \"Hi,
we’re
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?\"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other
male parrot and exclaimed,

\"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!\"

Profile photo of last_rose_of_summer
Member
On last_rose_of_summer wrote:

:lol:

Profile photo of Daysofthephoenix
Member
On Daysofthephoenix wrote:

:lol:

that brought my day off to a good start.

Give me the disk, Angela.Somewhere in the world, Dongsoo Kim loves you...Thirsting for God in a Land of Shallow Wells.365 Days of Winter!!!
Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

The bride tells her husband, \"Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?\"

\"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, \"Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.\"

Turning on his side, he smiles. \"Then we will have to re-imprison him.\"

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, \"Honey, the prisoner is out again!\"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, \"Honey, the prisoner escaped again.\"

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, \"Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Profile photo of last_rose_of_summer
Member
On last_rose_of_summer wrote:

:lol:

Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

hahahaha stupid humor :lol:

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, \"Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?\" The other replies, \"Well I don’t
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.\" So that night he did
and God replied, \"You are what you are.\" The next day he said to the other
zebra, \"I still don’t understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.\" The second zebra responds, \"You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.\"

Profile photo of anonymous
Member
On Anonymous wrote:

Confucious say…

…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
…man who puts penis in vacuum cleaner, get sucked off.
…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
…man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
…he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
…he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
…woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
…he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
…boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
…girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
…man with hand in bush, not necessarily trimming shrubs!
…man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
…he who masturbate, screw only himself!
…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!

Profile photo of last_rose_of_summer
Member
On last_rose_of_summer wrote:

…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!

:lol:

Profile photo of Arthur
Moderator
On Arthur wrote:

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of blueczarina
Member
On blueczarina wrote:

oh, holy crap :lol: nice one

Profile photo of Voidhanger
Participant
On Voidhanger wrote:

a passenger in a plane is approached by the hostess who asks him, \"would you like a meal sir?\"
The man asks, \"What are my choices?\"
The hostess responds, \"Yes or no.\"

:?

Profile photo of Arthur
Moderator
On Arthur wrote:

I’m confused how she changed jacket all the time?

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of Cool As Ice Cream
Moderator
On Cool As Ice Cream wrote:

hahaha

Profile photo of jawn till dusk
Participant
On jawn till dusk wrote:

A Muslim has been caught shagging a sheep in Wales.

When questioned,he said,it was islamb and he could do what the fuck he liked!

Profile photo of Arthur
Moderator
On Arthur wrote:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk[/youtube]

Billy Corgan, December 2, 2008 : "Not everyone understands our death trip. But you do. And that's what matters."
Profile photo of marigold
Participant
On marigold wrote:

ahahaha I posted that on the oboard not long ago! So cute.

 

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